her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
