Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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