I accidentally had phone sex last night
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
