why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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