Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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