I will die if light touches me.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
