I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
