I'm eating all of the evidence.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN