I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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