I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Drunk is not a location!
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
