I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
