Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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