There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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