My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
