You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
