Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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