i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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