The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
