I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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