mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
