i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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