okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
