take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
