This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Well I just put wine in my tea
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
