my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
