He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
