Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
