i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
