Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you win again, gameday.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
