I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
