Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
