either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
