what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
