Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
