glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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