i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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