I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
