He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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