.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
