If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
