I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
