I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
