First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize