So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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