First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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