Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
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For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
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You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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