Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
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