Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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