does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
