I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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