you would pick up someone in the library
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
