I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize