cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
