The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
